Sunday - Coffee and Cake
weekly musings, articles and mostly babble...
Reflection on Inadequacy
Ahhhh, to think it was only a week ago that I was having the panic of the century over losing the internet... I have been thinking about it and to be fair as much as my Etsy work and Blog had come to a standstill, the fact I was pretty ill that weekend with the Rotavirus came at a good time as believe me there was absolutely no way I was going to get anything done whilst living in the bathroom for a few days! Yet it left me feeling insecure which is something I have spent the week trying to reflect upon. That tech guy was right about one thing throughout his non-discreet sexist insults. People do heavily rely on the internet, whether it be for work in my case or just for fun in many cases. Being a stay at home mum I really do find that my escape only comes in the form of doing my own thing, and being busy about it... and I do get that from trying to get my business working as I am passionate about being an artist, and also about the handmade community. I guess being the drama queen that I am, the loss over that weekend left me feeling helpless and ordinary which was amplified by having a nasty bug to contend with! But it's funny how I really did feel a bit insecure without that little bit of independance I rarely get in other forms. Shows how much I love what I do!
But it got me thinking like I say about the lessons being laid out for me. I spent one of the mornings this week, having being blessed with a lie in! chatting to the other half about it. For as long as I can remember I have felt pretty inadequate and small in such a big world... events as they do, happened to make it worse... Like never knowing my dad, going through puberty before I reached 9, having relationships that stripped me of my self esteem are but a few examples which could have been worse, but did unfortunately leave me feeling fearful of losing things that DID give me confidence in myself. Then god bless my fortune, I met my current partner and have lived a very happy life ever since. Surely I should just feel better about everything now! I guess it doesn't work as easily as that... However I do know that I really sould be feeling good about things now, and reached an epiphany when I finally said to myself that I was actually being an absolute retard thinking in any other way! The past is the past come on woman! Seriously, I think it is so easy to fall into the trap of inadequacy you forget to remember that when good things are around, you ARE actually allowed to recognise it and reflect it within! I see so many sad stories in the news about people taking their own lives, or murdering other people due to their own feeling of self loathing and it goes to show the extremes that can come out of true fear. I feel I have learnt a valuble lesson having my partner and son as my guides this week, that true blessings really are disguised if you're the one throwing walls up at every possibility. I think the reason I am an artist and developed an interest in photography in recent years is not just the idea of my soul trying to project the beauty I see in the world, but mirroring the beauty I have been desperate to see in myself for so many years. It makes me more grateful to be doing what I am, whether business can be slow like all of us handmade lot know and experience daily. I understand why i felt lost this weekend, and it has only made me fall deeper in love with art, nature and who I am.